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Dard Ka Maza b Ajeeb hai
Door hai woh Phir b dil Kay Kareeb hai

Khata hai bas abb so jao
Us ke tasveer Neend Sa Kareeb hai

Log toltay hai sub kuch shorrat o dolat say

Dil apna Aaj kal bas ghareeb hai

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Hate mornings like this in general. Cold, dark, gloomy like my heart.
Yes it’s still aching. Like little pangs of ache that strike that I need to pull back on. Everytime I do it tugs on me.

Simple and to the truth

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One of the best mini letters ever….

I think of you almost everyday. I miss some things about you. I want to call you up and chat but I know I may create a bad habit once again that I seriously can not afford in anyway. I promise-that I care about how your heart aches and hope only for the best that you deserve.

I swear I’m not as bad as you may think. I care too much. Forgive me pretty please!

moments and memories

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how does one go back and record all the memories and the moments? some stay in your head so clear and vivid-like you can just close your eyes and step back right into them. others so far away pushed back that even if you tried with all your might youd catch just a teeny tiny glimpse. not enough to make you remember it thoroughly. and what happens to all those moments you thought you would always remember but have slowly slipped away. i used to scrapbook awhile back and i have stopped it intentionally. one of the biggest reasons was because i felt like i had too many moments and happenings to record. one page or even a four pager won’t describe it. and yes all the other reasons with time, printing out pics, blah blah-felt too tedious with being pregnant and even after having my boy. i thought id set out at least one for him but that will not happen. i tried another type of recording the memories thing, that too i finally made a decision to let it go. i threw out all the plug in cards and whatevers just letting it go. its not gonna happen. i have to admit when something just won’t happen and spend my time and energy on things that will. thats the other thing-what moments do you decide are so worthy of recording when so many tiny ones in your day are gloriously magnificent. these kids give you so many.

back to moments and memories-some remain in your head, some in your heart, and some both. there are so many that i can feel even now as i lend myself to a few moments. so so many good and some flaps i open like in a pop up book- hurtful. i can feel how i felt then drowning in those moments. drowning would be the best analogy as i still have a fear of drowning. and i still can’t swim across a pool. and the waves that it still sends in my body when i happen to visit them. or sometimes things remind you of those moments. once you’ve been thru hurt, pain, heartache, lies, and deciept-its never really forgotten now is it? still can feel like a fresh wound. that kinda sucks>>>>>>>>>anyhow those moments only you know that will forever keep you afloat and radiant are blessings. and to experience so many is god-sent. like i was kissed by an angel lol. and they are usually the most simplest ones. oh and pure and innocent. one i can’t seem to get out since I’ve been writing this is of the rain pouring down outside with thunder here and there-me in the backseat of a car (wait its not naughty hold on) and having to close my eyes and opening them to a birthday cake. and blowing out the candles. there may have been gifts, it have been a cheap cake or my fav flavor. but i know how wonderful it was and i can feel my insides widen into a smile. you cannot ever ever repeat or remake those moments and the feelings that come with those memories. i sit and thank god that i had that in one of my many flaps of beautiful moments in my life. yes i have the very obvious ones too. but those are a given no? i would be insane not to remember or feel from those as so many do. my sadness from when i wasn’t allowed to go to a dance that all my friends were going to be at. and my mother feeling sad for me when i cried after staying in my room by choice for an entire afternoon. i still feel her emotions more strongly than my own. they were genuine. and a decision she could not help with-so helpless. that won’t leave me till the day i die. how one wants to fit in and be able to do things that are suppose to be normal. and you just couldn’t and it wasn’t in your control>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

stuff won’t just pop out of your head and heart. it either makes a deep indention or a leaves a slight  hazy discoloration you don’t seem to mind. either way it all is a part of you. i think thats what creates some peoples personalties more stronger, impressionable, and interesting while others are more of a vanilla flavor. oh i know now that i must be a plate full of flavors that not anyone can savor or even digest. and vanilla will never be the only flavor i will encourage for my kids. the hues and varieties and flavors and the feel-it all should be insanely yummy. thats what my memories, moments and experiences have made me and i can only hope to have my children be or feel the same. their own sorts of whatever seems to fit onto their plate. 

im in a state of “help me find something i can dive right into and it will make a difference, something to awaken my senses, something i can see” type of engagement. because i have stuff to offer and stuff id like offered in return. best way to be-to always give and be given in return-not take.

this writing this feels good today. ill end it here.

 

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Life’s a whole bunch of things. What it shouldn’t be is blahhhh. But it happens. It’s happening now. It’s happens mostly when you can’t afford to financially or physically make something happen. Like right now I want to book a something far far away but it can’t happen. Ahhh too much depressing thoughts. Another time

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each week i have so much i want to unload off my shoulders, me head, my heart about whats going on. and i don’t. or somehow don’t have the time. what brings me back today is what always has to writing. and it has always something to do with love. I’ve written always since i was wee little in the second grade writing about love. its everywhere isn’t it. tonite my little girl and i were watching a tv series called brothers and sisters. and though i never care to let her watch what I’m watching I’ve been lenient on this show. its pretty pg13. and there are true and wonderful topics that come into play in the show. its real life in a sweet way. and she saw a person hurt. and she was crying ever so quietly as i did when i was her age watching many indian movies. and i wish i had the strength as she did today to go up to one of my parents and share my tears.she hugged me tight and told me she can’t stop being sad. see this isn’t about the tears being shed and over what-its about how i was more than able to console her without being untruthful of how life works. without sugar coating anything. and she understood that theres a tun of good with the bad and ugly. and still if you have someone to tell you the truth of life and its weird ways-youll be ok. that when you see the pain on someone else’s face you can feel sorry for them and be thankful at the same time.  i told her what i always do myself.  thankyou lord for not giving this kind of pain to the ones i love or to myself. i am ever so grateful for that blessing. but at the same time i always offer a prayer in my heart for that soul. either for a pain free life or lots of happiness or both. and thats what gets me going. she understood this along with a joke that always makes things lighter in any situation (how she has 4 teeth missing in the front and whistles every time she talks and it goes unnoticed after awhile).

she hugged me again and opened her shower door to tell me this: “you’re the greatest mom ever-you know that” and for that moment i really felt that. each and every day thru a million minutes i judge what i could have done, what i could have chosen to say to make something better than what it was. as a mother and a person i go over and over things that i could have done better than what was done. i find myself the biggest critique of well- myself. and its ever so exhausting. we are our very worst judge. and i might as well be my worst enemy. but moments like those make it worth while. and i know I’m doing whatever is within me to try to lead by example. thats all we can do even when its hard.

Spring reminds me of

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Some moments keep flashing at me. The taxi ride to a mall in Dubai and I got
Out and the warm air hits me. This happened once When my moms there and the second time with a stroller in the trunk. The humidity near water and passing bridges. The newness of pushing myself to do something without realizing it. The cool breeze after a well rested morning. when I come out of the condo in Mauritius taking a seat in a sun bathing chair. I always remember the feel of the air around me weather wise. the clouds I’m on my first day of arriving to a new place. How it envelopes me and makes me a part of that place for that moment-atleast. Those are the foreign moments I remember in spring at times. And here in America the sneezing doesn’t stop. I know it’s spring here when I look out my window and see all the trees blossoming into pink and white blossoms. It’s beautiful too. Oh but the allergies are horrendous despite the meds I need to be on for that lovely month.
Sent from my mPhone

Exhaust

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I want to be so exhausted at times that I wouldn’t need a sleeping pill, an allergy pill, a natural pill, a few glasses of wine, or drunk enough, a warm bath or a few puffs. Yes what would it take to be that tired asides a death or betrayal? To have the luxury to stay in bed all day long if needs be and def be exhausted to sleep the whole nite thru. Just wondering

When I die

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If I get buried I want it to rain as soon as I am under ground. Then only will I have been forgiven and at peace.
If I am burned and you hold my ashes in your hand-I hope to be spread thru an open field full of purple or white flowers. Lavender preferably but spread all over from atop a hill. That would be wonderful.

Movies that are yummy

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This year I’m loving netflix. And just movies in general. My type.
{Adore} a movie in a small town in Australia with 2 beautiful sophisticated ladies that just make up 1/2 the spurious storyline I haven’t seen-umm ever. Beautifully pictured and Sikh elegant.
{And While We Were Here} a movie in Italy where a pretty married gal accompanies her husband for a work thing and has her own lovely experience.
{Kai Po Che} a movie that I waited a long time to watch in the sense of the title putting me off. But when I hit play-was a fabulous indian movie with the perfection of acting that I did not expect. Was very teary eyed at the end of it all.