new year survey

January 22, 2014 by marspai

What was the best part of last year?
looking forward to my trip that was to include dubai, pakistan, sri lanka and thailand

What was the worst part of last year?

how i had to end the trip early-so dubai and paki-due to negative circumstances

What was the biggest surprise of last year?
how at peace one is after they’ve made their own decision

What are you most looking forward to next year?
peace and quite

Is there anything you are not looking forward to next year?
nope asides any extreme weather

Which new years resolutions did you keep last year?
dont believe in those

Which new years resolutions did you break last year?
being unselfish

What will be your new years resolutions next year?

take care of myself more so i can give more to those around me

Which resolution are you most likely to break?
drinking less and working out a lot more

What will you be doing on new years eve?

partying it up

Who will you be with at new years eve?
friends and family

Who do you want to kiss to see the new year in?
my kids

What was the best song of last year?

balam pichkari, batmeez dil, lat lag gai, tum tak, maan mera (all hindi)

come and get it, we can’t stop, royal and of course clarity

What was the best TV show of last year?
revenge and real housewives of beverly hills

What was the best film of last year?

matru ki bijlee ka mandola, yeh jawani hai deewani and ram Leela

What change would you like to make to your life next year?
work out often

What change would you like to see in the world next year?
reduction in poverty and child abuse

2 virus, 1 strep, and pneumonia-post 1 of 2014

January 21, 2014 by marspai

i never forgot about this blog. never. always on my mind. to write. to update but somehow time just flew and here we are in another new year. this year truly tumbled upon me. i am at that stage where i heard others-many older than me-that never even realized we’re in something bigger than before. that its just another new day. no hoopla really. maybe getting older and being sick the whole time thru has something to do with it. hmmm thats a fun little story I’m def never to forget. goes to show that no matter what-we really aren’t in control of well really anything. that there is def. god watching us. or a higher power as some like would believe.

on dec 16th i went to my reg doctor telling her my throat and just my whole body isn’t well. she informed me that i have nothing serious and it seems like whatever it was is soon to be gone. in any case she gave me backup antibiotics in case i don’t feel better. i did all i could to manage with all the over the counter drugs but relief was no where. woke up to a horrible fever on the 25th. and i couldn’t move my body. my throat was choked up and everything felt wrong. my body aches were unbearable and my head pounded. i was officially sick. like the flu sick. started my round 1 of antibiotics that i truly hate to carry within my body due to the dryness and just yuck side effects they create. on the 31st-dahlings birthday-we went out to our fav. restaurant-the whole family- and i had myself a cocktail. and that was it. i knew i wanted to participate in the evening celebrations with drinks of course. and so i had a glass of champagne for our bday toast, 2 glasses of red wine slowly, and another champagne toast at the end. i ended up being sick that nite. after that i was miserable again. i went into work 2 times and couldn’t function much still with a few meds here and there. on jan. 9th in the afternoon i felt my fingers and feet freezing and i was very lethargic.and i ran myself straight into bed. my fever spiked to 102 and i couldn’t stop trembling. i made myself up like a ball and was miserable even after the pain killers. i strained my left side it felt from all that. i was so miserable i was crying from the pain and dahling rushed me to urgent care as it was late. they tested me for the flu and i didn’t have it. maybe anther virus i was told and sent home with a z-pack. more antibiotics but a quicker route. after taking the required 2 -i remained nauseous all evening and threw up all nite long and couldn’t even lay straight. it was one of the most miserable nights i had. i woke up and couldn’t stand on my own 2 feet without sitting down and breathing in and out was torture. like my lungs felt strained. after my round of those antibiotics i felt bad still. loads of body aches, fevers, chills and 0 energy. i could care less about my food, the house, even paying attention to the kids was bad. i kept myself mostly in bed or on the couch. my eyes strained and my head pounded if i didn’t take pain killers on time. def went to my doc and she gave me 6 diff pills to try along with a blood test. that evening my heart raced to an extent i can’t remember. and the blood test proved that I’m anemic and my red blood cells are in need of iron and vit. c. also which faltered my immune system to fight all this.next day i called her up and she told me to take some of the meds off. the one i kept on was the one that actually made my heart race and sleepless. i discovered that after 2 days. back in the office and she sent me for X-rays. thats when it picked up that my left lungs were yucked out and i have had pneumonia. man that kinda just explained it all. all my symptoms. she put me on my 3rd antibiotics that are as strong as having a iv in. she said all the antibiotics were breaking the whole thing or else it all would have been heading me to the hospitable. i was miserable. hot water bottles for my left side and pain killers galore. loads of water and a killer migraine lingered. it took about 3 days for the antibiotics to kick in. i felt a bit normal. and here i am writing this. i can’t believe its been over a month with this yucky journey. all i did was stay in, watch tv, read my books, rested, ate and drank a tun of water. eyew. and I’m told it’ll take a few weeks to totally feel normal. i have a hard time sleeping as my left side is still strained. so lets see how it all turns out.

it makes me think about people going thru cancer and other serious life altering illnesses. how hard it is is not only for them but for their families and care takers. how hard it is or ppl that don’t have the means to afford such a thing that one really isn’t in control of. how what you do in your life is what creates what will happen to you. maybe that is true. and its all about the energy you create. that one should be in sync with it. or else you’ll drown against the tide. and having ppl that love and care for you are something you’ve earned. nothing to take granted. dahling was wonderful thru it all and thank god didn’t fall sick. I’m sitting here next to a warm fireplace with a blanket wrapped around me looking over the light blanket of snow. and I’m partially afraid of catching anything from the cold. this morning i went to work for an hour and my head burned from the chilly air. sucks. and thats how the new year has been.

Balance

September 12, 2013 by marspai

Sometime I’m tired of all the balance that needs to be done. Too much tight rope walking and balancing. I’m in the circus. I always am I think. When was the last time I didn’t have to balance a thing? I don’t rem. at all. And I have a more than decent memory. Days where I need to cry but I won’t let it get the best of me. Why should I? I dragged my ass into this so must fight it out. Me against it all. I think. Sometimes ppl that are most close want to see me break down and go all weak in the knee. For whatever reason. I don’t think I can. Not yet. My kids are babies. So tiny. Aghhhhh! Aghhhhh! Curse life. I am in a state of …….. Dunno. I think I’ll be ok. I think if I am honest ill be better. But honesty comes at a huge price. A HUGE price my friend. Until then I shall fumble and stay humble and try to get some shut eye. Who knows what Tom holds.

100 truths sept 2013

September 2, 2013 by marspai

Survey: 100 truths (if you have 15 minutes to kill)…?

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: sleepytime tea
2. Last phone call: mr. J
3. Last text message: M
4. Last song you listened to: jeena laga hoon by Atif Aslam in the car
5. Last time you cried: last Thursday
6. Got back with someone you’ve broken up with: yes
7. Been cheated on: yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: never
9. Lost someone special: to life yes but not to death
10. Been depressed: oh yes
11. Been drunk and threw up:oh yeah never intentionally

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Black
13. Silver
14.yellow-in a brighter palette

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2013)

15. Made a new friend: yes
16. Fallen out of love: yes
17. Laughed until you cried: yes
18. Met someone who changed you: yes-always learn
19. Found out who your true friends were: plenty of times
20. Found out someone was talking about you: yes
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend’s list: Yes
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: alot-usually delete after not meeting or talking for over a few months
23. How many kids do you want? Am good with 2-though 4 seems fun and challenging
24. Do you have any pets: a fish for now
25. Do you want to change your name: too late to
26. What did you do for your last birthday: partied for almost a month
27. What time did you wake up? 6:21am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Buying my little girls birthday outfit online
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for?: to see a new country
30. Last time you saw your Mother: yesterday
32. What are you listening to right now: the fans humming above my bed
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes in high school
34. Who is getting on your nerves now? My son with his annoying “I don’t like you” phrase
35. Most visited webpage: Instagram
36.Whats your real name: msa
37. Nicknames: mom, mommy, mars
38. Relationship Status: very occupied
39. Zodiac sign: Aries
40. Male or female? Female
41. Primary School?: ps 253
42. High School?: Athens and Cary high
43. College?: wake tech-ncsu
44. Hair color: originally black
45. Long or short: middle but prefer long
46. Height: 5 1.5
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: been awhile
48: What do you like about yourself?: my ability to blend in with so many different types of people. And to make them smile for diff reasons.
49. Piercings: 6
50: Tattoos: nope
51. Righty or lefty:mostly righty but can do a few things with left

FIRSTS

52. First surgery: none-wait does giving birth count and getting stitched up???
53. First piercing: 2 years old-ears
54. First best friend: my cousin sumara-then a stranger named nilufa
55. First sport you joined: none
56. First vacation: hmmm from when I was born-am sure it was Pakistan
57. First pair of trainers: that I rem so well are my white reeboks
RIGHT NOW
58. Eating:breakfast
59. Drinking: water with lemon
60. I’m about to: make a pasta salad for a Labor Day BBQ
61. Listening to: my son watching tv
62. Waiting for: j and ms. S to come home from ny after 2 weeks
63. I’m feeling: decently normal
YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? Have them
65. Get married?: not after this one
66. Career: happiness
67. Lips or eyes: always eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: both
69. Shorter or taller: I wish for taller
70. Older or Younger: older
71. Romantic or spontaneous: both at the same time
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both
73. Sensitive or loud: sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship: always a relationship
75. Kissed a stranger: yes
76. Drank hard liquor: yes
77. Lost glasses/contacts: oh yes
78. Sex on first date: no
79. Broken someone’s heart: yes
80. Been arrested: yes
81. Turned someone down: alot
82. Cried when someone died: yes
83. Fallen for a friend: never

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: always
85. Love at first sight: no
86. Heaven: yes
87. Santa Claus: no
88. Kiss on the first date: no
89. Angels: yes
90. God: very much

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: yes
92. Did you sing today?: along with a song on
93. Ever cheated on somebody?: yes
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: 5 years ago
95. The moment you would choose to relive?: the day j and I sat together in my Honda meeting for the first time in nc
96. Are you afraid of falling in love?: never
97. When was the last time you lied?: yesterday
98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: early or right on time
99. Are you a good person?: very much
100. What’s the most horrible thing you’ve ever done? Steal

And so it was one of those days

August 27, 2013 by marspai

Where I realized a few things:
1-Talking to any of your family members about one hot subject never stays on topic. It leads to many jumped and skipped and hopped over issues that will hardly find a realistic solution.
2-when dealing with those times get ready to be so involved that your kid will try to take full advantage of your full attention not being paid so they will make a big mess that you will have to clean triple the amt it took for them to create. So must stay in convo while paying attention to each and every move.
3-this is utterly tiring and is doubling the rate of your unavoidable brain tumor, cancer of some sort, or a bigger stress related health issue.
4-no one is ever going to realize-no matter how much they love you-when they have made a mistake that only directly effects you and not them. You have to spell it out- how and why and tell them quick or else they’ll just go on about their day as usual as if nothing happened.
5-sucks like hell when they finally know they did something negative and yet no apology of any sort escapes their lovely mouth. Very very sucky. I always believe to apologize profusely when in the wrong and don’t stop it there. Keep going until you make that person smile or laugh. Or take them out for a lovely lovely outing of some sort. Prob cheaper if you do the first.
6-you are always going to have to be your best company. Better make amends with all the crazy that’s in you and have a solid plan in keeping yourself warm, hydrated, motivated and entertained. No joke!
7-forgive yes but don’t you dare forget. That’s what gets you in trouble all over and once again.
8-don’t ever breathe in smoke that you did not create or agree to be around. literally as well as philosophically speaking. It leads to a whole lot of headaches and a very disturbed system.
9-be thankful for all the good in your life. You could have had it so much worse.

July 12, 2013 by marspai

Just admitting the fact that there are so many things one would not even think or dare to do if there was no one to appreciate them. Fact of life.

Mom mom everywhere mom mom

June 26, 2013 by marspai

It just overtakes you. In the grandest of ways possible. In ways i never could have imagined. As I get a announcement/invitation card of someone completing their education and has become a doctor at the age of 29- I can’t help but think to myself what I have been doing since I stepped out of that world of classes and books. I dont get jealous and this thing about being a doc was never up my alley so luckily I don’t feel any envy either. But oh but oh it def makes me think of all that I’ve gathered in my life physically and most importantly in my heart. A marriage of almost 12 full years without any breaks, businesses to associate my name with happily, pretty decent health (thank god) and 2 beautiful copies of me in 2 different versions. It makes me think of the days and even early evenings I spend where everythjng is attached to the two.Most of everything in my life evolves and involves the 2 monkeys. And many days I don’t want to and cannot sit down and sort the feeling of loving it or hating it. I comfort myself when I go there and in a tiny second I find that there’s alot of satisfaction of sorts that I continue to be here with them thru all their days for as long as I possibly can. That this satisfaction that I get in my heart is worth anything at any given moment and that this is where I choose to be. Yes there are times I find myself floating in places and scenarios but I can not dream without those 2 nearby torturing me even with the floating that I partake in once in a blue moon.
Yes being a mother is gods greatest gift when it is appreciated. And yes I def feel deep down in the bottom of my heart that every woman decent and sensible should reproduce to complete her. There is nothing or anyone that can fulfill her that deeply to the core. and see that i say a normal, sensible, and even healthy woman with that type of man in a hopeful situation. And yes I think back to a time where I thought I didn’t want a child at all of my own but rather adopt one (but still motherhood in my humble opinion), I am thankful to all my lucky stars that I have been blessed to have one of each as nasty and dirty and stinky as these little cute beasts are.I would have either been a rocking ass big shot something with very little heart left or a sorry old nobody still so lost. I seriously feel that I have gained a larger, extra few hearts I couldn’t even imagine with them in my life. I was nice and sympathetic and crazy empathetic before but this change has made me more, more of everything. As they say the good, the bad and the ugly but mostly good!
And though I openly admit I get crazy because of the crap they pull daily that causes me to blow my lid a few times a day( many times) I think they know and feel my endless pool of love that’s unconditional and made just for them. There are times in my months (notice i say months not days or even weeks) where I feel so full of love like overwhelmingly and I want another one and since 3 is def not an ok kid number I’d have to turn up the notch to 4. Isn’t that insanity when you think of it on days where you’re this close to ripping your eyes out or your ears. But I do have those weird cravings of a babe in my arms and always knowing one will be under my roof for a long time (in a positive way) until I just can not translate my love anymore to a person. What is wrong with me I ask myself and finish off cleaning the clutter or sweeping the floor for the 4th time in the same day.
Aghhhhhhhhhh maybe this is what it feels like when your womb keeps knocking at your heart or is it the other way around?!!! Dunno.
Anyhoooooo don’t get any silly ideas here. I’m holding on tight to that thread for sure.
I am exhausted and find myself feeling that nasty word of guilt one too many times-conflicts within myself-as I have so many projects in my head and physically unfinished, many stones unturned, many places I wish I had traveled by now, a few puppies to raise and love, and far too many bills stacked up. ☺

Tum tak lyrics

June 19, 2013 by marspai

It’s been a while since I posted a love song that I’m so so addicted to and here it is- the lyrics are simple yet so real and beautiful

Meri Har Man Maani Bas Tum Tak
Baatein Bachkaani Bas Tum Tak
Meri Nazar Deewani Bas Tum Tak
Mere Sukh Dukh Aate Jaate Saare
Tum Tak
Tum Tak Tum Tak Arzi Meri
Phir Aage Jo Marzi
Meri Har Dushwaari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Har Hoshiyari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Har Taiyaari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Ishq Khumaari Bas Tum Tak
Tum Tak Chala Hoon Tum Tak
Chalunga Tum Tak
Mila Hoon Tum Tak
Miloonga Tum Tak
Meri Har Dushwaari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Har Hoshiyari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Har Taiyaari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Ishq Khumaari Bas Tum Tak
Meri Akal Deewani Tum Tak
Meri Sakal Jawani Tum Tak
Meri Khatam Kahani Tum Tak
Meri Khatam Kahani Bas Tum Tak

dayam rainy days

June 10, 2013 by marspai

there are days where the rain just keeps on pouring and pouring and before you know it another week has gone waiting on the rain to be over-then what? i dunno. today marks the last day of a somewhat schedule for me. its ms.s last day of kindergarten and its come up quick. after this it will be summer vacation and shell be a first grader. and shell be with me alot. which is ok-i just hope i can keep her entertained and make some days memorable. summer vacations the most memorable ones for us were spent in pakistan mostly and or fun old summer school where only arts and crafts were done and a whole lot of friends just socializing.

ive been trying to have people over more for dinners and trying to keep busy but that runs out and then once again youre left with your thoughts and yourself. boy do i miss having a good friendship that was almost always available where you poured your heart out knowing nothing bad would happen or you would think about having a breakup. i miss that bond that only girlfriends can provide and have that no one else can understand. i have come to a conclusion that never in life again will that happen or will i have that kind of time to carry on one. and im getting older by the minute so the time thing just wont help. i miss alot of those days where you kinda just shoved all of daily life behind and just went out and had a good time without expectations. hell theres alot of expectations with kids, parents and even your partner. alot. even at the end of a date someone requires a little something usually.

no more connections as they once were. no more laughs like they once were. no more non-judgements like it was once. no more surprises. no more understanding smiles. no more hanging out and doing nothing at all. dayam that sucks.

yes there are other things that have taken place like a real home, my children, family stuff, the daily norm, a taste for the good life, stability, reliance, growth and just life but id rather just indulge on the gloomier aspects of it all right now.