how does one go back and record all the memories and the moments? some stay in your head so clear and vivid-like you can just close your eyes and step back right into them. others so far away pushed back that even if you tried with all your might youd catch just a teeny tiny glimpse. not enough to make you remember it thoroughly. and what happens to all those moments you thought you would always remember but have slowly slipped away. i used to scrapbook awhile back and i have stopped it intentionally. one of the biggest reasons was because i felt like i had too many moments and happenings to record. one page or even a four pager won’t describe it. and yes all the other reasons with time, printing out pics, blah blah-felt too tedious with being pregnant and even after having my boy. i thought id set out at least one for him but that will not happen. i tried another type of recording the memories thing, that too i finally made a decision to let it go. i threw out all the plug in cards and whatevers just letting it go. its not gonna happen. i have to admit when something just won’t happen and spend my time and energy on things that will. thats the other thing-what moments do you decide are so worthy of recording when so many tiny ones in your day are gloriously magnificent. these kids give you so many.
back to moments and memories-some remain in your head, some in your heart, and some both. there are so many that i can feel even now as i lend myself to a few moments. so so many good and some flaps i open like in a pop up book- hurtful. i can feel how i felt then drowning in those moments. drowning would be the best analogy as i still have a fear of drowning. and i still can’t swim across a pool. and the waves that it still sends in my body when i happen to visit them. or sometimes things remind you of those moments. once you’ve been thru hurt, pain, heartache, lies, and deciept-its never really forgotten now is it? still can feel like a fresh wound. that kinda sucks>>>>>>>>>anyhow those moments only you know that will forever keep you afloat and radiant are blessings. and to experience so many is god-sent. like i was kissed by an angel lol. and they are usually the most simplest ones. oh and pure and innocent. one i can’t seem to get out since I’ve been writing this is of the rain pouring down outside with thunder here and there-me in the backseat of a car (wait its not naughty hold on) and having to close my eyes and opening them to a birthday cake. and blowing out the candles. there may have been gifts, it have been a cheap cake or my fav flavor. but i know how wonderful it was and i can feel my insides widen into a smile. you cannot ever ever repeat or remake those moments and the feelings that come with those memories. i sit and thank god that i had that in one of my many flaps of beautiful moments in my life. yes i have the very obvious ones too. but those are a given no? i would be insane not to remember or feel from those as so many do. my sadness from when i wasn’t allowed to go to a dance that all my friends were going to be at. and my mother feeling sad for me when i cried after staying in my room by choice for an entire afternoon. i still feel her emotions more strongly than my own. they were genuine. and a decision she could not help with-so helpless. that won’t leave me till the day i die. how one wants to fit in and be able to do things that are suppose to be normal. and you just couldn’t and it wasn’t in your control>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
stuff won’t just pop out of your head and heart. it either makes a deep indention or a leaves a slight hazy discoloration you don’t seem to mind. either way it all is a part of you. i think thats what creates some peoples personalties more stronger, impressionable, and interesting while others are more of a vanilla flavor. oh i know now that i must be a plate full of flavors that not anyone can savor or even digest. and vanilla will never be the only flavor i will encourage for my kids. the hues and varieties and flavors and the feel-it all should be insanely yummy. thats what my memories, moments and experiences have made me and i can only hope to have my children be or feel the same. their own sorts of whatever seems to fit onto their plate.
im in a state of “help me find something i can dive right into and it will make a difference, something to awaken my senses, something i can see” type of engagement. because i have stuff to offer and stuff id like offered in return. best way to be-to always give and be given in return-not take.
this writing this feels good today. ill end it here.
Mars Pai Always 